Friday, December 28, 2007

Brain in a Box

Hey girl I got somethin' real important to give you
So just sit down and listen
Girl you know we've been together such a long long time (such a long time)
And now I'm ready to lay it on the line
(Wooow) You know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind
A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside -- it's my brain in a box
Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl ya gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
Somethin' special girl
It's my brain in a box, my brain in a box babe
It's my brain in a box, my brain in a box girl

See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' (yeah)
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second to none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps
1: Cut a hole in a box
2: Put your junk in that box
3: Make her open the box
And that's the way you do it
It's my brain in a box... my brain in a box babe
It's my brain in a box, my brain in a box girl
Christmas; brain in a box
Hanukkah; brain in a box
Kwanzaa; a brain in a box
Every single holiday a brain in a box
Over at your parent's house a brain in a box
Midday at the grocery store a brain in a box
Backstage at the CMA's a brain in a box (yeah-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow)
A brain in a box, a brain in a box, a brain in a box...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

My dark destiny awaits

My Shadow Stealthship was ready for take off. I was almost ready to leave this primitive, backwards planet but I had just a few more tasks to attend to. My dread lord Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord has already contacted me to congratulate me on winning Who Wants to be a Supervillain. He also gave me another task to attend to since I am here: destroy his mortal enemy Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Something I admit that I attempted earlier but so far have been unable to complete. That man is harder to kill than a Hectarian armored armadillo slug.

“So that’s it?” Iron Butterfly asked. “You’re leaving?”

“Of course, Iron Butterfly. I have other matters to attend to.”

“Yeah, but what about us, mate?” Apocalypto Pickle asked. “You just going to kick us to the curb? We signed a contract with you, you know.”

“Who cares, let him go. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself,” Gun Nut added with a disappointed sneer.”

“Ah, but that is where you are wrong, my dear. During every step of this competition, I made sure that you all were taken care of.”

“Really,” Butterfly grunted.

“Really?” Bob the Goon asked.

“Iron Butterfly, you are a strong and powerful man with a lot of ambition but no real resources to back up your desires. The stronghold in Sierra Gordo is yours. From there you could easily launch an attack on the capital of that pitiful country and rule it as your own. Rule it wisely and evilly.”

“Wow, thanks,” he grinned. Obviously surprised by what I have bestowed him.

“Apocalypto Pickle, you are a cunning and capable demolitions expert but you have been angry and confused about your sexuality your whole life. By introducing you to Magneto and his Village Henchpeople, I have shown you that you can be accepted and welcomed despite your physical appearance and orientation.”

“You’re right,” he nodded. “Thanks. Hey, can I also have the giant robot with the blue jeans in his torso? Those are nice jeans.”

“Very well, you may have that as well.”


“Bob the Goon, I took over Halliburton for you.”

“You want me to run that company?” he asked.

“Not the company, but the fleet of vehicles that it owns. You will be in charge of the Halliburton’s motor depot.”

“Cool,” he smiled. “Is there an oil drum there that I can burn stuff in?”

“Of course.”

“An’ is there shrimp there for me t’ eat?”

“All the shrimp you could ever want.”

“Oh man, that’s swell,” he beamed. “Thanks, doc.”

“What about me?” Gun Nut harrumphed, still angry about my perceived transgression about the holiday.

“Gun Nut, I have given you perhaps the greatest gift of all. You were already and cold and calculating assassin, something I must admit that I find extremely appealing, but you lacked one factor. There was one thing that kept you from achieving your potential.”

“What was that?” she asked snidely.

“You don’t care about anything. Since you were young, you harnessed your anger in your life’s work, but you actually had little passion in it. You didn’t love yourself and you certainly didn’t feel that any man deserved your love. I showed you that you do have feelings, that you can care for your work or a man.”

“Really? You did that for me?” I saw the angry features on her face soften.

“Of course. With what you have now, nothing shall stand in your way.” I slid my brain containment jar towards my ship and rolled up the ramp. “You all have been instrumental in my victory here and I appreciate your help. Good luck to you all.”

“Wait!” Gun Nut called out. “Take me with you.”

“It is dangerous work. Your life will always be in peril if you seek to serve my master Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord.”

“I don’t care,” she answered. “I want to be with you.”

“Very well, I would… love to have you join me.”

Gun Nut gave an unusual squeal and ran up the ramp. She threw her arms around my containment vessel and gave it a kiss. “I guess this would be a little bit more romantic if you could kiss me back.”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“But I don’t care,” she shook her head and smiled.

“Gun Nut, what am I to call you on our journeys? Your moniker is suitable for a one dimensional character who exists only to shoot others, but you are more. So much more.”

“Call me Lilith,” she answered.

“Lilith? I do like that name.”

The ramp slid closed as the ship’s door also clanged shut. My craft then lifted off the ground, hovered for just a few moments before rocketing into the sky carrying me and my companion towards our destiny.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Enterprise Christmas Party

“I am surprised that we received invitations to the Enterprise Christmas party.” We were hurling through space and time in my Shadow Stealthship.

“What can I say,” Gun Nut answered. “One of my relatives is on the crew.”

“Distant relative, I am sure.”

“Isn’t this great?” Gun Nut threw her arms around my brain containment case. “This is our first Christmas together. Oh this is going to be special!”

“This will be interesting. I have never attended an event on a Federation vessel before. I may be able to use this opportunity to study the crew in their work/play environment.”

“Oh Nemmy,” my lady friend rolled her eyes. “Do you ever turn it off? It’s Christmas.”

“I know that. I cannot stop being a scientist no more than you could stop being a heavily armed assassin.”

“Except I can’t bring any weapons on board the Enterprise,” she answered with a grin. “Have you seen their security? They have a Klingon in charge of it.”

“A Klingon? Ugh. Detestable.”

Our ship exited warp and we quickly located the starship. After exchanging hails, we were beamed aboard and escorted to the holographic casino.

“Oh isn’t this wonderful?” Gun Nut exclaimed as she looked around. “And this is all holographs?”

“Yes. Unfortunately, the effect is less realistic to my sensor suite. Say, is that an android over there?”

“I don’t know,” my favorite marksman answered. “Maybe he’s just jaundiced.”

“Excuse me! I say, I hate to intrude on your festivities, but are you an android?”

“I am, sir,” the machine answered. “I am Lieutenant Commander Data, please to meet your acquaintance.”

“I am Dr. Nemonok, psychologist. I too am pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“And you exist entirely in this containment device?” Data looked me over.

“Of course. You are a very interesting individual yourself. Tell me, is your brain positronic?”

“Indeed it is,” he answered.

“Fascinating.” I then noticed a familiar face closing in on me. A face that I did not want to see.

“What is it, Doctor?” Gun Nut asked.

“Is that Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator walking towards us?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Never met the guy.”

“He must be here to apprehend me. Surely he knows of my allegiance to Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. “Maybe he’s just here for the party.”

“Are you kidding? I cannot believe he chased me through space and time like this.”

“Just act natural,” she advised. “Don’t let him being here go to your head.”

“How can I not? He is approaching, quick shoot him.”

“I can’t, I’m unarmed,” Gun Nut answered. “Even If I was, we’d never get out of here.”

“You must still protect me. You must be my bodyguard, er, so to speak. Stop him.”

“Keep calm,” she hissed back through her teeth. “He’s not going to start anything. It’s Christmas.”

“Evil doesn’t rest on Christmas. Why should he?”

“Just keep calm,” she hissed again. “I know you can talk your way out of this. He’s just some dumb gladiator. You’re the galaxy’s greatest psychiatrist.”

“Heh heh, you are correct. I shall easily talk my way out of this.”

“Hello, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” the man stepped up and gave a friendly smile. Ah, I see, he is trying to lull us into a sense of false security before he makes his move. “I noticed you two from over there. Do I know you?”

“Please, I am sure that you know of me. I am Dr. Nemonok.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Normally, I don’t forget a face. Uh, no offense.”

“None taken, of course. I am sure we never met before, but as your reputation precedes you, I was certain that mine preceded me.”

“Right,” he said. “Oh yeah sure, I know you. You’re a psychiatrist, right? Didn’t you lose your license?”

“Yes of course. It was taken away from me. You know how these government bodies are. All red tape, heh heh.”

“Tell me about it,” he chuckled. “Hey, you’re on that Who Wants to be a Supervillain show too, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am on that show.”

“Ha ha, I love that show! You guys are too much,” he laughed. “Well, I have to get going, if I don’t dance with my wife, she’ll skin me alive.”

“How do you like that?” Gun Nut grinned as she threw an elbow into my jar. “He doesn’t know about you.”

“This is amusing. Who would have thought that Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator was such an idiot?”

Idiot or not, this is a dangerous addition to the equation. If the gladiator found out what I did back on Earth, I don’t think that even Gun Nut could protect me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Who wants to be a supervillian?

I do, of course.

Allow me to introduce myself; I am Dr. Nemonok, the galaxy’s greatest psychiatrist, though I am sure that you know that already.

My dark lord Galactor the Evil Galactic Gladiator sent me to Earth to sow a little destruction in the show Who Wants to be a Supervillain. As you must know, I am more of an “idea man” for Galactor, but I must admit getting my hands (so to speak) dirty in this fashion was quite refreshing.

Please enjoy my entries in the series:

I Win Of course I won. All these competitors with their amazing powers and fantastic abilities were clearly no match for Dr. Cerveux H. Nemonok, super genius.

Power to people I bring the ultimate doomsday device to China.

A meeting of the Minds I congratulate AOC on getting to the final round as well as enact a secret, evil plan against him.

Silent Night Holy Terror My crew, along with a few friends I picked up along the way, invade the North Pole to destroy Christmas.

Super Happy Destructive Robot Time Go In this challenge, my henches and I build a giant robot of doom in Japan.

Evil is afoot (figuratively speaking, of course) My henches and I join the most evil group on this planet -- Halliburton.

Deeds, not words Part two of the challenge in Central America, my henches and I easily defeat an American commando team.

Location, Location, Location Part one of the challenge where I build a base of operations in Central America.

The Doctor is in Mr. “Butler” spends some time on my couch. I also begin a new experiment -- an experiment in love.

Unexpected Debt Mr. “Butler” responds to our session.

A Simple Plan I round out my team with a fourth member and lead them on a bank robbery.

Evil Influences Using my evil psychiatrist abilities, I convince some of my competition to put on a little dance show.

In need of an entourage I hire my crew of henches.

Getting "Comfortable" I am assigned quarters as well as learn a few things about the show’s host.

Darkness from Space My arrival to this game.