Another Slight Hitch In My Plans

Curse that infernal Professor Xavier.

Here all along, I thought he was a near equal to me on an intellectual level, that he and I truly understood each other now, and he goes and takes control of my ship on me like this.

His brain was only supposed to act as the logic center. He was only supposed to allow all the other ship functions to work at their normal capacity, but then what does he do? He took over the whole ship. How can he do that? This will certainly be the last time that I trust the brain of a kidnapped enemy that I removed from his or her body, placed in a jar of nutrients not unlike my own and expect him or her to be civil about it. Bah, these inferior species.

My love, the lovely Lilith is still on her shopping expedition and not here or else I would have her just shoot that infernal brain and be done with it. I tried to use the Brain Claw to move Xavier back into his containment jar, but he disabled that as well. His silent laughter filled my nonexistent ears.

“Fine, but you have won nothing! This ship is still disabled and not going anywhere. Without your precious life-giving fluids in your brain jar, you will be a dead husk in minutes! Your only choice is to return to the jar and then I will once again be in total control!”

I openly admit that I lost my temper at that point. I certainly didn’t want Xavier to die, not like this, not before I could dissect his brain.

Suddenly, Xavier’s cursed X-Men appeared out of nowhere in my ship. Unbelievable, the gall of them.

“This unmitigated assault on my sovereign property will not go unanswered. Attack them now Lilith!”

Lilith sprung forth out of her hiding place and unleashed the instant henches. Yes, I know that earlier I said she was still on her shopping trip. I even lie on my own blog, I am that evil.

“Pocket android henchmen just add water!” my darling sneered at the interlopers.

“That’s a non-unionized labor force you better make sure that Henchy don't find out!” Captain Koma announced as he stalked up towards me.

Bah, these puny Earth people with their pointless and obnoxious policies of evil. I’m not even on their planet and they’re still trying to govern my actions.

“Think I care? I'm a super villain! Remember you gave me my certificate.” I gazed up proudly at my award.

“Eat this!” the Earther replied as he fired some sort of weapon at me. Ah, a neural destabilizer, how quaint.

“Ha ha, your neural weapon cannot harm me! My containment jar is resistant to such paltry attacks.” I thought perhaps that would be enough to dissuade his aggressions towards me. Perhaps now, he will cower back like the mewling Montovian gelpup that his race is.

But did it stop him? No, he just fired his weapon at me again and again.

“Foolish human, I told you that your weapon cannot—whoa…”

I felt something within me change. As if part of my brain suddenly got heavier, way heavier and yet another part became much lighter. I felt myself lose control of my vocoder, as if it was producing words and sounds without my say so.

“Hey, I can see my voice. My voice. My… voice... Hey can you see that, man?”
A vortex of colors and lights surrounded me as joyous sounds rang through what would be my ears. Truly that dreadful creature was the facilitator of these joyous sensations that I was now feeling. I would have to thank him for this, possibly right after I kill him.

“That’s real cool. Look at the colors.”

Then through the corner of my optic sensor, I saw that cursed Intergalactic Gladiator attempting to abscond with Xavier’s brain. That rotten bastard. That rotten, smelly, hairy, arrogant doer of good deeds. I may have to kill him next. If I could get this cursed voice box to stop making these laughing sounds.

I then saw possibly the most amusing sight yet: the gladiator tripped over his own clumsy under evolved feet. Tinny laughter gurgled forth from my vocoder like some sort of Snarian skug worm spewing out of its prey. Skug worm. Ha ha, that’s a funny word. Skug. Skuuuuugggg. One who skugs. Skugger of all things skugged. Because of that fool’s inability to stay on his own fool feet, Xavier’s brain was sent flying into the air.

Ah, now this is really turning into a party. I’m so glad that I could make it.