Another Slight Hitch In My Plans

Curse that infernal Professor Xavier.

Here all along, I thought he was a near equal to me on an intellectual level, that he and I truly understood each other now, and he goes and takes control of my ship on me like this.

His brain was only supposed to act as the logic center. He was only supposed to allow all the other ship functions to work at their normal capacity, but then what does he do? He took over the whole ship. How can he do that? This will certainly be the last time that I trust the brain of a kidnapped enemy that I removed from his or her body, placed in a jar of nutrients not unlike my own and expect him or her to be civil about it. Bah, these inferior species.

My love, the lovely Lilith is still on her shopping expedition and not here or else I would have her just shoot that infernal brain and be done with it. I tried to use the Brain Claw to move Xavier back into his containment jar, but he disabled that as well. His silent laughter filled my nonexistent ears.

“Fine, but you have won nothing! This ship is still disabled and not going anywhere. Without your precious life-giving fluids in your brain jar, you will be a dead husk in minutes! Your only choice is to return to the jar and then I will once again be in total control!”

I openly admit that I lost my temper at that point. I certainly didn’t want Xavier to die, not like this, not before I could dissect his brain.

Suddenly, Xavier’s cursed X-Men appeared out of nowhere in my ship. Unbelievable, the gall of them.

“This unmitigated assault on my sovereign property will not go unanswered. Attack them now Lilith!”

Lilith sprung forth out of her hiding place and unleashed the instant henches. Yes, I know that earlier I said she was still on her shopping trip. I even lie on my own blog, I am that evil.

“Pocket android henchmen just add water!” my darling sneered at the interlopers.

“That’s a non-unionized labor force you better make sure that Henchy don't find out!” Captain Koma announced as he stalked up towards me.

Bah, these puny Earth people with their pointless and obnoxious policies of evil. I’m not even on their planet and they’re still trying to govern my actions.

“Think I care? I'm a super villain! Remember you gave me my certificate.” I gazed up proudly at my award.

“Eat this!” the Earther replied as he fired some sort of weapon at me. Ah, a neural destabilizer, how quaint.

“Ha ha, your neural weapon cannot harm me! My containment jar is resistant to such paltry attacks.” I thought perhaps that would be enough to dissuade his aggressions towards me. Perhaps now, he will cower back like the mewling Montovian gelpup that his race is.

But did it stop him? No, he just fired his weapon at me again and again.

“Foolish human, I told you that your weapon cannot—whoa…”

I felt something within me change. As if part of my brain suddenly got heavier, way heavier and yet another part became much lighter. I felt myself lose control of my vocoder, as if it was producing words and sounds without my say so.

“Hey, I can see my voice. My voice. My… voice... Hey can you see that, man?”
A vortex of colors and lights surrounded me as joyous sounds rang through what would be my ears. Truly that dreadful creature was the facilitator of these joyous sensations that I was now feeling. I would have to thank him for this, possibly right after I kill him.

“That’s real cool. Look at the colors.”

Then through the corner of my optic sensor, I saw that cursed Intergalactic Gladiator attempting to abscond with Xavier’s brain. That rotten bastard. That rotten, smelly, hairy, arrogant doer of good deeds. I may have to kill him next. If I could get this cursed voice box to stop making these laughing sounds.

I then saw possibly the most amusing sight yet: the gladiator tripped over his own clumsy under evolved feet. Tinny laughter gurgled forth from my vocoder like some sort of Snarian skug worm spewing out of its prey. Skug worm. Ha ha, that’s a funny word. Skug. Skuuuuugggg. One who skugs. Skugger of all things skugged. Because of that fool’s inability to stay on his own fool feet, Xavier’s brain was sent flying into the air.

Ah, now this is really turning into a party. I’m so glad that I could make it.

A slight hitch in my plans

I turned to my companion, the now bodiless Professor Xavier.

“That was surely a dangerous encounter with your friend the gladiator, there. Are you sure that he’s truly your friend? He tried to shoot us both out of the sky and seemed quite oblivious to the fact that you were onboard with me.”

His brain bobbed ever so slightly but he remained quiet.

“Yes, well I was forced to make an emergency space fold to escape his pursuit. We are now somewhere near your solar system’s ninth and tenth planets, if you actually want to consider them such. As you can imagine, performing a space fold with a damaged craft while in an atmosphere is not the smartest thing to do, but I felt that I had little options.”

Once again, the brain of Xavier did not say anything. Was he attempting to get at me?

“You’re not giving me the silent treatment now are you? How juvenile. My species has evolved beyond giving each other the silent treatment hundreds of years ago. Perhaps your planet’s first steps into the galactic community could involve you rebuking this silence.”

Again, Xavier said nothing. A few bubbles found their way up through the fluid, but there was naught but more silence.

“And here I thought we were getting along so well during our sojourn to many of your planet’s interesting locales.”

Again, silence.

“You try my patience, Xavier, and you’ll soon learn not to trifle with the likes of me.”

“Huh, what?” Xavier’s brain finally stirred. “Ah Dr. Nemonok, say, where are we now?”

“I just told you mere moments ago that we space folded to the outer perimeter of your solar system.”

“Oh, I am sorry, I believe that I just dozed off there for a moment,” he replied.

“Dozed off? We were in the middle of aerial combat and you decided to take a nap?”

“Yes well forgive me, Doctor,” he said. “Without a body I am finding it difficult to differentiate between day and night. I am never quite sure what time of day it is.”

“Do you want to know what time it is? It is time that I repair my systems after our battle with that maniac.”

I looked over the console. This is not good.

“What is it?”

“It seems, Professor, that the logic processors were burned out on my ship’s computer module. I cannot make repairs nor warp back to Earth without it.”

“Looks like we have a bit of an issue then, don’t we,” Xavier said with just a hint of smugness.

“Yes we do. Fortunately, I have a solution. What could possibly work better as a logic processor than your brain?”

I believe that I heard Xavier’s brain make a gulping noise.

Working in the lab

I was in my lab aboard my Shadow Stealthship and working alone. I let Lilith take the afternoon off and I believe that she decided to go shopping. Either for a new handbag or a submachine gun, I am not sure which.

Truth be told, I am in the process of mapping Professor Xavier’s brain. Something that is as time consuming as it is laborious. It’s not dangerous to me, of course, but if there’s the slightest shift or the calibration is off a bit, I have to start the process over again. Without Lilith here, I will have one less parameter to consider during my research.

I have to say, however, that my work here is becoming more and more difficult as it progresses. I easily moved the brain into a containment jar a little more suitable for sustaining it for a period of time but everything after that has become more troublesome. It wouldn’t seem that one simple human brain would take up so much time, and yet the more I work on it, the more time it will take me to complete this task.

Interesting.

No matter, I shall have this brain mapped out in no time, then perhaps I shall begin to dissect it to determine how Xavier’s mental powers work.

If only this infernal buzzing sound would cease.

Hold one moment.

I switched the audio receptors off on my brain containment tank and yet this humming sound continues.

“Xavier, is that you?”

The humming ceased.

“It was, wasn’t it, Xavier?”

“No, of course not,” Xavier replied.

“Aha, so you are now beginning to understand the limitless existence of a bodiless brain.”

“I must admit, without my brain needing all the energy and resources required to maintain my body, I feel a certain sense of freedom and empowerment,” he admitted.

“Yes, yes, and now you understand. Others may look at your disembodied brain floating in that jar of nutrient-rich fluid, but they shall never feel this. Wait a moment, how are you speaking to me without a mouth? I certainly did not install a vocoder on your containment jar.”

“Well, I am the Earth’s greatest telepath,” Xavier admitted.

“Heh, in a land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. And yet I am very impressed. Very impressed indeed.”

“Well, I certainly hope that you are nearly finished mapping out my brain. Although I certainly enjoy being in the company of a fellow intellectual, I am afraid that my school and X-Men would not last long without my guidance. Let me know when you are finished and then we can head back to my mansion.”

“Oh we will not be heading back to the mansion. I plan on dissecting your brain in order to determine your powers and to harness them myself.”

“Ah, so I am afraid that I am not long for this world then, I suppose,” he replied as a few bubbles worked their way through his tank to the surface.

“I am afraid not. For me to gain your power, I would certainly have to destroy your brain.”

“Could you not just clone it and dissect that one instead?” he suggested.

“Unfortunately, you know how messy that cloning business gets. I’d rather stay away from it altogether. I surely do apologize as I have quite enjoyed our conversation now.”

“I have as well,” he replied. “You know, I have a splendid idea, why don’t you finish mapping my brain and then turn me loose? We could then have another conversation next week. We could even play chess if you so desire.”

“Oh, I am afraid that won’t do. I see you are attempting to use your mental powers to influence me. It cannot work as my brain containment unit is resistant to such intrusions.”

“Ah, well that is too bad then,” Xavier lamented. “You don’t suppose that you would grant me this one last request, would you?”

“And that is…”

“Well, I certainly have lived a wonderful and fulfilling life,” he said. “But there are so many things that I have yet to do. I have never visited the Great Wall of China or seen the lost city of Pompeii. I don’t suppose you’ve ever tried a Coney Island dog, have you?”

“No, I have not.”

“Well see, there’s so much left to do on this planet. Would you care to join me, there are many grand places to visit.”

“Oh very well, Professor. As your last request, we shall visit these places that you have mentioned. After that however, you will meet your proverbial maker.”